


Making a Mountain

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [18]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Action/Adventure, Episode Related, Fluff, Gen, Kidfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29823624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?Andy and Jez realise that one of the old ideas they had for a Top Gear special still works, so the three of them head off on an adventure. Naturally, that gives Richard a whole load of new ways to get into trouble.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May
Series: Retirement Trouble [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 6
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

Several Months Ago

“Jez!” called Andy as Jeremy wandered past his office. “I think we can do a special!”

Jeremy turned to look at his old friend, surprised. “We can’t go without Richard,” he protested.

“You don’t need to,” grinned Andy. “Remember that idea we had with a homemade car in Mongolia that we never quite got round to?”

“That was years ago!” spluttered Jeremy.

Andy shrugged. “It works now, you don’t need him to drive. In fact I seem to remember you weren’t going to let the fully grown version drive anyway.”

“Well he did used to crash a lot,” nodded Jeremy. “And even then he would’ve been too short to reach the pedals.”

“What’s the problem then? Let’s go for it,” grinned Andy.

……………………………………

They were surrounded by wilderness, no people for miles. They’d simply been dropped off, and now they were alone. Then the helicopter appeared overhead.

Richard stared up at it, squinting a little in the light. “Do you think that’s going to land?”

James watched intently for a moment, then shook his head as the first box was shoved out. “I think that answers your question,” he replied, simultaneously grabbing Richard’s coat. “Don’t run towards it.”

“I wasn’t,” protested Richard, in a manner that immediately betrayed to James that he most definitely had intended to.

“Berk,” muttered James, not releasing his grip, though now that he was warned Richard didn’t look as though he was going to go bounding off.

“We need wheels,” put in Jeremy, sauntering over to the first box as it finally landed and hunting around for a means to open it, eventually handing James a crowbar and lining up to open the lid alongside him. “It doesn’t look very wheel shaped though. Move back a bit, Hamster,” he added.

Slowly, across 3 boxes, Jeremy was proved wrong and the car parts were revealed. Parts that were going to take some putting together. James and Richard were quite excited, Jeremy, despite obviously having an idea of what was coming, wasn’t.

James was also afraid. He’d seen adult Richard and Jeremy make some spectacular messes, but throw in a little Richard and about half of his already tenuous common sense, James was fairly certain he had his work cut out for him just keeping the others from wrecking everything, and possibly preventing Richard from injuring himself somehow. He took a moment to grab Richard’s shoulder, stopping him from bouncing around and calming him down with a single, meaningful look.

Of course, it wouldn’t last.

…………………………………………

Richard, aware – if only from James’s expression - that lifting any of the car parts would cause his friends to have a fit, decided to keep himself out of the way for a little while and instead busy himself with trying to erect the tent, at least once he’d had fun rolling the wheels themselves over to the build area, which just had to be done. The tent was only small, a little dome, a three man in the sense that 3, smallish, men could crawl into it and lie rigidly side by side provided they didn’t have any stuff. Richard was fairly certain it was going to cause a whole load of problems, but then Andy enjoyed that sort of thing. Even if it was only filmed in audio outside the tent, a good squabble always went down well. On the plus side, it was much easier to put up than the tent they’d squeezed into the lupo estate, and Richard managed it, collapsing proudly on top of his sleeping bag inside it once it was up.

It was probably the only opportunity he’d get to enjoy any space in this thing, he reasoned, lying back and listening to Jeremy and James squabbling.

James sounded as though he was at the end of his rope. A number of parts of the car had pinged off into the distance, accompanied by Jeremy declaring his boredom and frustration loudly, and once Jeremy had followed James’s orders and retrieved the various items he’d lost, James had sent him away.

Richard laid back, waiting for the inevitable.

“Hamster?” A large oaf stuck his head through the door, his shoulders appearing afterwards and taking up pretty much all the space of the doorway. “Did you build this?”

“Yep,” Richard beamed at him.

“Is it going to fall on me if I come in?”

Richard looked up at the ceiling. “Probably not,” he hedged. “Have you been upsetting James?”

“A little bit,” admitted Jeremy, shuffling in and lying back on the ground alongside Richard. “This is really not very comfortable,” he added, grumpily.

“Camping,” shrugged Richard brightly, ignoring Jeremy’s dour expression.

“You admit it!” exclaimed Jeremy. “Tenting is deliberately uncomfortable.”

The small boy vaguely waved his arm at Jeremy, lightly clipping his elbow. “Stop behaving like an old man!”

“I am an old man!” He paused. “Sort of.”

“Like me?” asked Richard, putting on a particularly childish expression, his eyes huge, and his bottom lip stuck out a mile.

Jeremy rolled his eyes, reaching out to ruffle Richard’s hair. “Come on, Hamster, come help me manage James’s OCD. If we don’t gang up on him a little bit, we’ll still be building this car when you’re actually an old man.”

“I…”

“You know what I mean.” Jeremy lifted himself off the ground, reaching back to pull Richard after him and dragging him towards the door.

“James!” Richard emerged from the tent and immediately bounced over to their friend. “Do you want some help?”

James eyed them suspiciously. “Hamster…” he began.

“I’ll rephrase that,” conceded Richard. “You really need a bit of help, can’t you give me something to do?”

Jeremy chose that moment to grab a power saw, instantly distracting Richard as he powered it up.

James sighed. “We need this car to work, you know. Have you seen the Winnie the Pooh map? It says we’re going to a town called Moron hundreds of miles away and there’s no help at all on the way.”

“It was you that had problems with a drill before,” pointed out Richard, innocently.

“I do need Jez to help me lift some of the bigger pieces,” conceded James, patting Richard’s shoulder as he pouted. “Maybe you could do the fiddly putting together and then Jez could tighten things afterwards?”

“You want me to keep him in hand?” asked Richard incredulously. “That never worked even when I was bigger!”

“Consider it a challenge,” grinned James. “You can get away with stuff now that you couldn’t before.”

The boy swallowed heavily, turning back to face Jeremy, who was now merrily sawing through some packaging. “OK.”

……………………………………………

With James’s words still ringing in his ears, Richard headed for the upper frame, tugging Jeremy’s arm to get him to follow. “Come on, we can fasten this bit on, speed James up.”

Jeremy followed along obligingly, reaching into a pile of bolts at random and beginning to tighten the first one that went through the hole.

“Jez!” protested Richard.

“What? I’m helping!”

“You have to use a washer, and the right bolt,” insisted Richard. “There’s a pile here,” he gestured to a separate collection of bolts.

“I have to search for the right pile of bolts?” asked Jeremy, aghast.

“Yeah, it’s like IKEA furniture,” said Richard, rolling his eyes. “If you don’t pay attention to that, you end up with a sofa where all the feet fall off, and we never make it to Moron.”

“The wheels will fall off?” asked Jeremy, incredulously.

“Could do,” suggested Richard innocently. “You never know.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Hamster, we’re fixing the roof on, for want of a better description, how would that make the wheels fall off?”

“It could decapitate James and then we’d be stuck.”

“If that happened we’d be faster,” insisted Jeremy.

“I don’t know why! But we have to use the right bits!” spluttered Richard.

Jeremy laughed, grabbing him by the waist and slinging him over his shoulder. “Take that back, I know you don’t mean it!”

“I do!” laughed Richard, pounding his fists against his friend’s back.

“No! James is controlling your brain.”

“James, help!” squeaked Richard as Jeremy swung round dramatically. “Jeremy won’t do what he’s told.”

“As if he ever would,” laughed James, reaching out to rescue the boy from the older man’s back. “Oaf!”

………………………………………………

Having established that getting Jeremy to behave and build something properly, even when his life depended on it, was impossible, Richard decided to instead just do some building himself in the background. He steered as far from James as he could, in the hope that he wouldn’t incur his wrath, and encouraged Jeremy to investigate building the bodywork, then settled down to start bolting bits and pieces together.

It was going pretty well. He’d stayed away from the working components and targeted the framework instead, treating the car like a giant meccano set. He was having a great time, right until he had to shift a particularly large metal bar into position and James happened to look up at exactly the wrong moment.

“Hamster! What are you doing?”

Richard flinched, nearly dropping the heavy bar and causing James to move rapidly round the car to grab it, cursing under his breath as he did so. “Sorry,” he huffed, trying to calm himself down as James caught hold of the offending beam and shoved the bolt in himself, fastening it tightly before turning his attention back to Richard.

“How many times have we had this conversation about not lifting things that are too heavy for you?” asked James, sinking down to sit on the edge of the car’s frame, closer to Richard’s eye level.

“A few,” muttered Richard. “I had it though, you just made me jump.”

“And accidentally dropping things that are too heavy would never happen otherwise,” observed James, gently.

“I couldn’t get Jez to cooperate,” said Richard. “It just didn’t work.”

James shrugged. “That can’t really come as a big shock,” he said. “I just thought it was worth a shot, not worth you hurting yourself for in compensation. We’ll just be a bit slower, that’s all, we’re not doing too badly.”

“Can I help you?” asked Richard.

James sighed. “Yeah, come on. Promise you won’t run off with any tools though.”


	2. Chapter 2

Several long days later, the car stood ready to go. Jeremy and James were focussed and busy loading up the car, clearing up any mess, and checking a few last minute parts on the car. Jeremy, for once, not even tempted by messing about as James directed him around the car, helping him to put everything away tidily.

“Jez?” said James, after a period of quiet. “He’s disappeared.”

Jeremy, instantly alerted to precisely what James meant, looked around. “He’s been nagging me for days, maybe he thought I needed some time off.” But the taller man was gazing intently into the distance, wondering where there were features large enough to hide Richard. In the semi-darkness, pretty much anywhere.

“He did a good job of keeping you from wrecking our trip,” nodded James. “I didn’t really think he could manage it, not as a kid.”

Jeremy glared at James. “Do you realise how much of a pain he’s been?”

“SSSsshhh,” hissed James. “If his kid-brain’s in charge and he hears you staying stuff like that he really will run off. Besides, you really were going to ruin it all, you great oaf. Running round waving power tools in the air and ignoring the instructions because you were in a hurry.”

“Sorry,” said Jeremy, contritely, guilt sweeping through him. Sometimes he really did get carried away.

“You make that clear to Hamster when you find him,” said James.

“Me? Aren’t you coming?”

“I’m going to check the car, something which will definitely drive both you and Hamster completely mad,” smiled James.

“But what if Hamster’s lost?” asked Jeremy. “Are you not worried?”

“There’s nothing here, and he’s not exactly quiet, so if he’s wandered off the only concern is him falling over, which would definitely involve a lot of shouting.”

Jeremy fell silent for a moment, listening out for anything beyond the two of them. “I think I’ve found him,” he grinned.

“Where?” asked James, still rummaging around in the driver’s seat.

“In the tent, I can hear him snoring.”

James snorted. “It is late.” He glanced at his watch. “1am, pretty much.” He grinned at Jeremy. “You go, I’ll join you in a minute when I’ve finished here.”

Jeremy obeyed, climbing into the tent, grateful that he didn’t have to watch James doing any more checks. Richard lay sprawled, taking up way more than his fair share of the space, across the top of all three sleeping bags, snoring lightly. Carefully rolling him out of the way without really waking him, Jeremy opened the boy’s sleeping bag then leaned over and lifted him to place him into it, tucking his arms in and doing the zip up the side, well aware that the nights here could get quite cold.

Richard smiled in his sleep, apparently registering the warmth and mumbling something incoherent.

Jeremy grinned back, removing his shoes and jeans, but not really worrying about anything else before sliding into his own sleeping bag. “Night Hamster,” he whispered, lying back and listening to the sounds of James still tinkering outside and Richard’s soft breathing.

It wasn’t too long before James emerged into the tent, shuffling round for several minutes then finally unzipping his own sleeping bag and sliding into it with a contented sigh.

“Was he OK?” asked James, his voice quietly penetrating the total darkness surrounding them.

“Fine as far as I could tell,” nodded Jeremy, reaching out to pull Richard closer to him in order to leave James a bit more space. James was finicky about his space at night in the same way that Richard was finicky about food. “Totally out of it.”

In the pitch black of the tent, James reached out his arm, probably aiming for Richard, but touching Jeremy’s arm along the way. “Night,” he said.

………………………………………

It had been blissfully calm the previous night. Of course, they’d all been shattered, but the knowledge that they would sleep and then head off, the peace around them, even the wind dying down seemed to feed into a particularly good night. The morning, James found, was its complete antithesis.

He first opened his eyes when a sound that he knew shouldn’t have been there sounded outside. A clang, a metallic sound. Not wind, or rustling tent, or either of his companions breathing. As his conscious mind caught up with his subconscious, he took in the scene before him. Jeremy was still fast asleep, lying on his side facing James, his eyes closed and his face completely relaxed. Initially, James thought that Richard had somehow burrowed into his side, the last few nights had taught all of them that mini Hamster was an instinctive seeker of heat, regularly cosying up to Jeremy – or James – in the night. But this time Jeremy wasn’t holding on to their small friend, this time he was only holding an empty sleeping bag.

And James could hear metallic noises outside.

James had never exited the tent so fast. Shoving his legs into his trousers and his feet partially into his boots, James rapidly left the tent, finding himself confronted by an excited Richard sitting in the driver’s seat of the little car, holding the steering wheel.

“Hamster?” he called.

Richard flinched, obviously aware that James didn’t really want him driving the car. “But there’s no one here to care!” He protested.

“We can’t afford to crash!” countered James.

“But, James!!” As James approached the car, Richard looked up at him, his big eyes never leaving James’s face.

“At the end,” said James, softly, reaching out for Richard’s hand and enticing the boy to shuffle reluctantly along the bench seat. “When it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“OK,” sighed Richard, patting the car. “I helped build this though,” he added. “I should get a go.”

James slung his arm round the boy’s shoulders. “You’re never going to reach the pedals either, you’re going to have to practically sit on the floor. It’s built for me and Jezza.”

Richard sighed. “Yeah.”

“Come on, you can wake him up if you like, then we can collapse the tent.”

Richard’s face transformed into a grin and he sped up, away from James, to reach the tent. “Oh yes, wakey wakey, Jez,” he yelled, practically diving into the tent.

…………………………………

“The sandy pit,” observed Richard. “That’s on the map,” he grinned excitedly, standing up in his seat, even though the car was still moving, as he tried to get a better look.

“Sit down!” complained James, “I don’t want to wind up fishing you out of a sand dune.”

“I can’t see!” protested Richard.

“Come on, let’s get out and take a proper look,” suggested Jeremy, swinging his door open easily. “The car’s probably going to struggle up a dune anyway,” he observed.

As James drew to a halt, Jeremy slid out and walked round the back of the vehicle, grabbing a lump of leftover wood from the rear as he did so, before opening Richard’s door and encouraging the boy to jump out.

“What’s that for?” asked Richard, gesturing the piece of wood curiously.

“Let’s just say I’m thinking it might take James a while to cross this,” replied Jeremy. “He is the world’s greatest off road driver, that is clearly the world’s most powerful car, and there are a mere smattering of dunes just here because this is a section of the Gobi Desert.”

“Right,” said Richard. “Entertainment, you’re thinking?”

“Could be,” grinned Jeremy, starting to walk up the dune.

The boy chased after him, beaming all over his face. “We could do a really good sandcastle here,” he suggested.

“Yeah,” nodded Jeremy. “We can grab the bucket and spade next time James catches us. Hang on though, you’ll like this.” The tall man hauled himself to the top of the hill, pausing for a moment as he finally caught the view. “Wow.”

Richard, quickly alongside him, agreed. “Yeah, wow.”

“I really like deserts,” said Jeremy, placing the piece of wood on the ground and sitting on it.

“You brought a chair?” asked Richard, disappointed.

“I do like the views,” pointed out Jeremy. “But no.” He beckoned the boy over, taking hold of his arm and dragging him into position on the front of the board, between Jeremy’s legs.

“It’s a sledge!” exclaimed Richard, turning back to smile even more widely at Jeremy.

“Ready?” laughed Jeremy.

“Oh yes!”

Shuffling forwards, Jeremy placed his hands in the sand and pushed, immediately releasing the sledge onto the loose sand surface and sending the two of them hurtling down the dune, laughing uproariously, Jeremy hanging on to Richard as they slid.

The sledge continued for several hundred metres, until the bottom of the dune became shallow enough that they could no longer slide. The nose of the sledge buried itself in the sand at the bottom, tipping both presenters off the sledge and head first into the sandy floor, thankfully not entirely on top of one another.

“Landing needs work,” coughed Richard, spitting out sand. “It was great til then though, another go?”

“Yeah,” grinned Jeremy, completely irrepressible, brushing sand out of his curls and shaking himself off. “But the next one, no sense doing the same one twice. You never know, we might beat James across the desert!”

Richard bounced to his feet, still spitting out sand, but also reaching out to help pull Jeremy up – despite the futility. “Landing, Jez.”

“I’ll lean back more,” suggested Jeremy. “Keep the nose up.”

“Let’s go!” cried Richard, practically running up the next dune.

“Hamster? Do you even know which way you’re going?”

“Forwards!” he laughed, continuing upwards, leaving Jeremy to stagger along behind him.

“James is going to kill us,” chuckled Jeremy, reaching into his pocket to study the compass, confident that they were already heading the wrong way. He was definitely going to have to navigate the hamster a bit better on the next dune.

……………………………………………

James finally caught up with them on the third dune, unsurprisingly fed up. “I’ve been digging the car out of sand and practically bouncing up the hills, and you two have had a sledging trip!” He complained.

“We were testing a hypothesis,” said Jeremy.

“We think maybe we can make the car skis,” suggested Richard.

“And we’re sacrificing a lot,” pointed out Jeremy. “Because sledging down dunes is really a lot of fun.”

“It is,” nodded Richard, very vigorously. “It could be in the car too,” he added.

Jeremy reached into the back of the car for another piece of wood, carefully positioning both just in front of the wheels and – once James had driven on to them – strapping them on.

“Ready?” asked James, starting the car up and waiting for the others to climb in.

“Go,” responded Jeremy, chuckling.

“Yeeesss!” cried Richard, raising his arms in celebration as the little car skied along the dunes happily, then wobbling violently as the car jerked and his door fell open.

“Hamster! Careful,” cried James, grabbing Richard with one hand as he gripped the steering wheel with the other.

“I’ll hold on to him,” offered Jeremy, reaching his long arm behind James and taking a grip on Richard’s shoulder.

They managed to ski up and down three dunes before the skis disintegrated and they were back to hopping up and down hills. It was late afternoon by the time they escaped the desert and could finally drive on solid ground.

………………………………………

As the sun slowly set, James continued to drive the three of them across Mongolia, illuminated by the car’s headlights and nothing else, bouncing along the ground and shivering in the suddenly cool night. 

“How long are we carrying on for?” asked Richard, yawning and shivering at the same time.

“We need to make up some time for all that faffing in the desert,” said James, determinedly.

“Can I get my sleeping bag then?” asked Richard. “I’m really cold!”

“Good plan,” agreed James. “Can you grab mine too?”

“Aren’t you driving, James?” asked Jeremy, puzzled.

“I can stick my feet out,” insisted James, taking his bag from Richard and arranging himself to his satisfaction.

“Right!” said Richard, raising an eyebrow at the sight before him.

“Fair enough,” shrugged Jeremy, taking hold of his own simply by reaching a long arm into the back of the vehicle.

“How long are we carrying on for?” repeated Richard, without the massive bout of shivering this time.

“Until I think I’m going to doze off,” grinned James. “Ready?”

The other two nodded sombrely.

Warmer, they carried on into the night, no longer really taking note of their surroundings beyond the view given in the two headlights of the few metres before them, an endless stream of grassy plains passing under their wheels. The three boys were quiet, each lost in their own world, simply watching the country pass by them.

Jeremy was composing voiceovers in his head. Somehow speaking now for real seemed wrong, but he could perfectly imagine the voiceover that would go with this, himself rambling on about their plunging bravely into the night. And, if it was allowed in voiceover, the others objecting to such a description.

Probably especially the plunging, way too soggy.

Abruptly, he was drawn back from his thoughts by a massive thud, followed by a groan.

“What was that?” he asked as James braked vigorously.

“Hamster?!” cried James, ignoring Jeremy and leaning over the seat where Richard had previously been sitting.

“Jez, he’s fallen out!”

Hurriedly, if with no small amount of reluctance, Jeremy unzipped his sleeping bag and practically ran round the back of his car, using his otherwise useless phone as a torch. James appeared to his side, his own phone also illuminating the ground.

“I guess he’ll be a few metres back,” said James, quietly.

“There’s no screaming,” commented Jeremy, trying not to dwell on the possibility that that was bad news.

“There!” James pointed. Just a car’s length behind the back of the car sat a dazed, and still half asleep Richard. They both rushed over to him.

“Hamster!” cried Jeremy. “Are you OK?”

“I feel a bit bruised,” grumbled Richard. “What happened?”

“You fell out of the car,” said James, gently. “We really need to take a look at that door. I guess you fell asleep and didn’t notice it opening.”

“Only you, Hamster,” chuckled Jeremy, reassured that Richard was largely uninjured. “I think you’re going to have to sit with me.” He bent down and lifted Richard up easily, sleeping bag and all, eliciting a few grunts and gasps of pain as he did so.

“Tomorrow,” said James, “we’re making you a seatbelt.”

“OK,” agreed Richard, sleepily unconcerned as Jeremy stood him on his feet and climbed back into the car, reaching down and hauling Richard onto his lap afterwards.

“You thinking five point harness?” asked Jeremy, fastening his arms securely round Richard’s waist and closing his own door as James arranged himself back inside his own sleeping bag.

“Or duct tape?” suggested James.

Jeremy laughed. “That would do it,” he agreed, earning himself an elbow in the ribs as Richard shuffled round to sit sideways on his lap, facing James, and registered his objection.

“Shh,” said Richard. “Sleeping.”

“Only you, Hamster,” repeated Jeremy, rubbing at Richard’s back as his head drooped against Jeremy’s chest.

“Maybe he thought we were in danger of nodding off on the road,” whispered James. “I have to tell you, I’m really very much awake now.”

“Yeah,” giggled Jeremy. “I can’t believe he’s gone back to sleep, I’m still coming down from the adrenaline rush.”

“Definitely getting him a seat belt tomorrow.”

…………………………………………

It was 1am when they finally pulled over, the adrenaline having worn off to the point where James felt like he was in danger of crashing again. Jeremy handed Richard over to James, and without any shouting or fussing at all, erected the tent, returning only when it was done to carry Richard into the tent, collapsing into his own sleeping bag afterwards before James had even unravelled himself from his sleeping bag in the car.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite the late night and the drama, James woke easily in the morning when Richard finally stirred. His small friend wriggled out of his sleeping bag and, despite a number of groans of pain in the process, leapt to his feet and headed outside in search of food. Leaving Jeremy still snoring happily in his sleeping bag, James headed out after the boy.

“You OK this morning?” asked James. “You gave us quite a scare last night.”

Richard looked slightly sheepish. “I don’t quite remember what happened,” he admitted. “I’ve got some great bruises though.” He lifted his shirt to reveal a bruise that covered a significant proportion of his left side, dark and angry, then others along his arms and legs.

James winced. “Head OK?”

“I think so.” Richard lifted his hands to his head, feeling around for any tender spots. “What happened?” he asked again.

“You fell out of the car,” said James. “So this morning we’re going to make you a seatbelt.”

Richard looked up at him mournfully.

“OK, we’ll get something to eat first.”

A few minutes later, Richard was happily munching on some sort of oaty breakfast bar whilst patiently sitting in the car seat allowing James to mess around with leftover ropes from the parachutes, carefully fastening them together behind the chair.

“Here,” said James. “If I tie these together here, then you can put your arms in here, and fasten this…” He trailed off as Richard stared at him quizzically. “Maybe a lap belt will do,” he conceded, moving the ropes and fixing them so that two ends trailed out of the front of the seat.

Richard grinned. “Thanks, James.”   


………………………………………

By the time they got going, the weather had changed and it was raining steadily on the little car, the roof slowly dripping onto the three occupants. As James attempted to discourage a puddle from forming directly over his head, Richard reached down into the foot-well, retrieving a small, brightly coloured kids umbrella and opening it above his own head whilst grinning smugly at the others.

“You didn’t think to bring us all one?” asked James.

“I thought you did your own packing,” retorted Richard, waving his umbrella a little. “I’m just better at it.”

“If you carry on like this, you can sit on top of the car,” grumbled James.

“Forget that,” said Jeremy, “look at that!” He pointed to the ground where a massive bumpy scar ran along the ground. “It’s the very big crack!” He paused. “What do you think, James. You think this was the work of that famous giant Mongolian mole?” Jeremy winked dramatically, just out of Richard’s line of vision.

“Definitely,” replied James, completely seriously. “I’ve heard it’s the number one cause of death in young adults across Mongolia, because of all the unexpected holes they keep falling down.”

“Houses swallowed,” added Jeremy. “Playgrounds disappearing.”

Richard’s eyes widened. “Giant Mongolian mole?”

“Yeah,” nodded Jeremy. “It’s so big it’s even known to eat small children.”

“I think I have a name for the car,” put in James, causing the other two to stare at him in astonishment.

“Errol,” he said, unperturbed by their silence.

“Errol?” repeated Jeremy, baffled.

“Good name, very dependable,” nodded Richard, obviously humouring him.

James rolled his eyes. “Have you two never read Harry Potter?”

They both shook their heads.

“Errol’s an owl, natural predator of giant moles – obviously,” laughed James.

“Good call James,” said Richard, looking out of the side of the car worriedly. “That’s a really long line of molehills. He’s been very busy.”

“Oh, there are loads of them,” put in Jeremy, it’s not just one mole.”

“And we’ve been camping on the ground?”

“That’s a good point,” agreed James. “Maybe we should name the tent too. Hedwig? Archimedes?”

………………………………………………

“That is not a pub,” grumbled Jeremy, peering at the wooden hut as he clambered out of the car.

James, following him out as Richard struggled with his seat belt, sighed heavily. “I was really hoping we’d be able to stop for a drink.”

“Maybe the moles got it,” suggested Richard, still looking nervously at the ground.

“I don’t think moles drink,” replied James.

“Not as much as I was hoping to anyway,” added Jeremy, leaning his head against the hut in disappointment.

Richard, sorry for his mates but much more concerned about the moles for now, decided to explore the hut more thoroughly, circling it several times before spotting a loose board and pulling it back just far enough to squeeze his body in through the window and into the hut.

“Oooh, it’s dark in here,” exclaimed Richard. “No molehills though,” he added, kicking at the floor thoroughly. “No drink either, I don’t think this was ever a pub except in your imagination.”

“Hamster?” called James. “Where have you gone?”

“In here!” shouted Richard.

“What’s in there?” asked Jeremy.

“Mostly spiders, I think,” said Richard, regretting entering the building now. “Nothing else. Some flags and a lot of very flat mud.” He hurried to the loose board, practically diving out of it and immediately brushing himself off vigorously. “Can you see any on me?”

James and Jeremy, giggling over their friend’s ridiculousness but their moods lifted immensely, peered intently at Richard’s clothes, joining in with the enthusiastic brushing off.

“I think you’re mostly covered in cobwebs,” coughed James.

“There are too many hazards here,” grumbled Richard. “Giant moles, excessive spiders.”

“The spiders probably got rid of the other bugs though,” pointed out Jeremy.

“Yeah, but are they going to follow me out of the hut?” asked Richard, looking worried. “Can we go cross the wibbly wobbly bridge now so they can’t find me?” He paused momentarily. “Do moles eat spiders?”

“Where they can’t….?” James trailed off as Jeremy held his hand up.

“That’s fine, good idea, let’s go!” interrupted Jeremy, shrugging at James in bafflement. But Richard was already off, heading for the bridge on foot. He sprinted down the little dirt track, then directly onto the bridge without pausing, running until abruptly the bridge took a nosedive as part of it had collapsed.

Richard tried to stop, but his momentum couldn’t handle the sudden change in direction and after wobbling for one long moment, he disappeared from view.

Jeremy broke into a run. “Bring Errol,” he yelled back to James as he headed for the bridge himself, wary of making the same mistake. “Hamster!!” He thundered towards the bridge, frantically listening for any noise from his little friend.

A grunt sounded from beneath him as he reached the edge of the intact bridge and peered down. There, balancing on the lowest corner of the broken section of bridge, was Richard, just barely clear of the water.

Jeremy grinned. “Well that will have scared the spiders away,” he suggested.

“You think?” said Richard, sounding quite shaky. “I think it scared my legs away too, I can’t get them working now!”

Jeremy frowned, looking down at Richard, balanced precariously. The water below would be freezing, skinny as he was, he wouldn’t last long in that. He lay down on his front, reaching his arms down. “Can you reach me?” he shouted.

Richard looked up, unsteadily trying to unwind himself and slide up the broken bridge slightly to reach up to Jeremy. “I don’t think so,” he replied, sliding down again repeatedly.

“Errol and Captain Slow to the rescue!” shouted James from below, driving the car into the water and pulling up alongside Richard. “Just let me get the handbrake on,” he added, scrambling into the seat nearest to the bridge and reaching out to Richard.

“James!” gasped Richard, realising how close James was and shuffling towards him.

“Come here, Hamster, I’ve got you,” said James, softly, clearly wary of the oddly jumpy mood Richard had been in today. He reached his arms out, and as soon as Richard got close enough, hauled him over into the car, sitting Richard on the seat and with his left arm still slung over the boy’s shoulders, reversing back to the bank to wait for Jeremy.

Jeremy had stayed on the top of the bridge to keep an eye on the rescue, so as soon as he saw them reversing, he headed back off the bridge to meet them, ready to mock to his heart’s content, right up until he saw James’s expression.

He raised his eyebrows, questioning what James was worried about as he climbed in, but received little answer.

“OK, Hamster?” said Jeremy, instead of any of the insults rattling round his head.

“Yeah,” sighed Richard. “I think this trip is out to get me though.”

“Aren’t all our trips out to get you?” asked James, completely deadpan.

“He’s right, Hamster. You could probably just complain that the world in general is out to get you,” put in Jeremy, reaching past James to ruffle Richard’s hair. “Plus, remember that trip when James got hurt instead of you?”

“Oh yeah,” admitted Richard, glancing up at James.

“Right,” said James. “Are we ready for the off then?”

“I don’t know,” replied Richard, sounding more himself. “What’s next?”

“Rather boggy and sad,” answered Jeremy, unrolling the map.

“Great stuff,” groaned Richard.

……………………………………………………………

“Jez?” asked Richard, as he helped the tall man to set up their tent, ignoring his mutterings about his bare feet, his shoes lost to the bog hours ago.

“What?” Jeremy snapped at the interruption. “I’m really in a hurry to get this set up, I think my feet are turning blue.”

“Do you think the moles are going to come and get us?”

Jeremy paused, turning round to reach for Richard, then bending down to look him in the eye. “Hamster, we were just making it up!”

“But I saw all the giant molehills!”

“It’s a fault line, you numpty,” laughed Jeremy, shoving the last peg into the ground and pushing Richard into the tent before following him, settling the boy onto his knee and nudging him playfully.

“It didn’t look anything like an earthquake,” protested Richard, frowning.

“How many earthquakes have you seen? Just ones on the movies,” grinned Jeremy. “It’s a fault line, there was a massive earthquake, swallowed an entire lake, but hardly anyone died because no one lives here.”

“Really?”

“Really,” nodded Jeremy. “I’m not sure how that’s less believable than an army of giant moles anyway.”

Richard sighed. “You’re very annoying,” he whispered, wrapping his arms round Jeremy’s chest. “But I’m so relieved!”

At that moment, James stuck his head in the door of the tent, his eyes looking quizzically at the two of them.

“Moles,” mouthed Jeremy.

“Ohh, of course,” grinned James.

“Do you think you could find my spare shoes, James?”

James snorted in amusement, but obediently headed back to the car to search for shoes.


	4. Chapter 4

The following night, they camped by the river, so close to the end that Richard could almost taste it. Somehow just the sight of the water, and knowing they were so close, made him feel calmer and more in control. Despite normally very much enjoying their adventures, Richard had found this one hard, it seemed so distant and foreign to be so far away from people, even though the landscape wasn’t really that different.

He couldn’t explain it, it was a discomfort, as though he was incredibly lost, but the river provided reassurance. You couldn’t ever be seriously lost if you’d found a river. Even if, as Jeremy suggested, staying on this river long enough would take you to China.

Jeremy and James took their time rising this time, they too oozing a confidence that they’d arrive at their destination soon, unhurried and calm.

And not in any way twittering on about giant moles.

Just gazing out at the river, casually throwing a few stones in, trying to skim them.

Jeremy and James, joining in silently alongside him, each skimmed a stone with at least four bounces, but Richard couldn’t do any better than one bounce. Even though he knew in his head how to do it, his arm just wouldn’t cooperate with him. It was weird really. He knew how to drive, but he couldn’t. He knew how to skim stones, but he couldn’t. Even swimming, though admittedly he’d never been any good at that.

Feeling oddly at peace, but still dwarfed by the sheer vastness of everything around them, Richard sidled closer to Jeremy, carefully ducking the throwing arm and nestling into his side, wrapping his arm round his friend’s waist.

Jeremy looked down, surprise registering on his face initially, before responding with a squeeze. “Me too,” he whispered. “You ready to head home, Hamster?”

“Yeah,” nodded Richard, turning back to the car to realise that while he’d been gazing out at the water in his own world, James and Jeremy had completely packed up and were ready to go.

James took the wheel, driving along the bank at a fair old pace, staring across at the mountains on the other side of the river. “No good,” he commented, looking apologetically at the others.

Still, it couldn’t be impossible the whole time, eventually they did spot somewhere to go, and James’s apologetic look finally transformed into one of determination.

“Here,” nodded Jeremy, supporting him completely, as he drove the car headlong into the water.

Then the water began to flow into the car. Untying his seat belt, Richard rose to his feet, out of the way of the freezing cold river water, his head just grazing the flimsy roof as his hands hung on to the windscreen. “That’s really cold!” he gasped.

“It’s getting too deep too,” cried James. “I think we’re going to have to go back.”

James slammed on the brakes and shoved the car into reverse, attempting to back away from the ever deepening water, but the car was going nowhere.

They were stuck.

“I think we might have gone over some rocks on the way into the river,” commented James.

“We’re going to have to free the wheels,” declared Jeremy, pausing for a moment as he took in the freezing cold water both in the car around them and flowing around them outside, already trying to shift the car. “Hamster, stay here,” he added, firmly.

“What?” squeaked Richard in protest. “I can help!”

Jeremy, exiting the car and holding the door open for James, shook his head. “No way, Hamster. You can barely swim, and this water would be up to your neck and trying to pull you away. You’ve got to stay in here, you hear me?”

“Yeah, I’ve got it,” agreed Richard. “What if the car gets caught by the current?”

“He has a point,” said James. “It’s already trying to go.”

“We’d better take the doors off,” sighed Jeremy. “Despite their magnificent craftsmanship,” he added, attacking the hinges of one of the doors. “See the things I do for you, Hamster?”

Richard stood and watched, grimly hanging on to the windscreen, shivering violently despite being much further out of the water than the others. He nodded at his friend silently, his teeth chattering too much for anything else.

“Oh my God that’s cold,” muttered James, diving down at the back of the car to try to remove a rock.

Quickly, Jeremy disappeared to help him, intermittent sounds of disaster continuing to sound from behind the car. For several minutes, Richard simply stood at the front of the car, trying not to worry about the car running off with him, or one of his mates getting into trouble. Then he realised that he didn’t have to stay where he was in order to obey Jeremy’s instructions. Quickly, he scrambled onto the seat and over into the back of the car, moving through the water inside the car to get to where his friends were working. Maybe if he could get a piece of rope or something he could even give them something to hang on to.

Unfortunately, as he climbed over the back of the seating and went to place his feet firmly on the flat surface at the back of the car, his feet slipped, sending him sprawling into the water and directly into the fast flowing current, which continued to sweep through the car as well as round it. Immediately, he found himself forced out of the side of the car and heading down river, his weak swimming stroke no match for the water that had gripped him.

“Jez! James!” he spluttered, splashing frantically in the hope that he’d attract their attention.

Then a large hand grabbed hold of his forearm, holding him steady against the current. James.

As James tugged Richard in towards his body and shifted his grip from the boy’s arm to his torso, Jeremy pulled both Richard and James back to the car, placing both of them next to the car and checking that James had a good hold before moving over to Richard.

“What did I say about staying in the car?” he exclaimed loudly, his voice angry.

Richard flinched, shrinking back a little into James. “I didn’t mean to! I thought I’d help from inside the car, but then I slipped!”

Jeremy reached out and wrapped his arms round Richard, freeing James to climb back into the car. “That was so close! Even a minute longer and we wouldn’t have been able to reach you.” The anger was gone from his voice, replaced by a shaking fear.

“Sorry, Jez.” Richard wrapped his arms round Jeremy’s neck and buried his face in his neck.

Without letting go, Jeremy climbed into the car, positioning Richard safely on his knee as James was finally able to reverse the car out of the river. He didn’t let go throughout their second attempt, directing James through the water as he continued to hang on to Richard for dear life, only finally releasing the boy when they climbed out of the car on the other side of the river.

“Are you OK, Jez?” asked Richard, even his voice sounding younger than it normally did as he looked up at his tall friend with concern.

Jeremy shook his head. “That was too close,” he said.

At Richard’s other side, James joined them, placing his arm around Richard’s shoulders in his usual measured, precise manner. “We can’t put into words how scary that was, Hamster,” he added.

Between them, Richard reached his arms out to both of them, slowly pulling them into a three way hug.

………………………………………………

A few hours later, Moron finally stood ahead of them and it was over. They had made it.

All of them.

It wasn’t a big town, but it still took them a few minutes to find their accommodation for the night, finally not a tent but a lovely little log cabin, with a pretty pointed roof that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Switzerland, and several hammocks left outside, even though there were three perfectly good beds inside. Maybe they had more people stay in proper summer.

As tired as he was, from poor sleep, endless driving, and the come down from the morning’s stress, Jeremy was tempted to simply collapse into one of the beds and ignore the world until the next day, but as James seemed keen to encourage him to sit at the table, he followed the younger man’s direction, dragging his feet along until he sat at the table, Richard quickly joining him.

“No sleeping,” said James firmly. “First we’re going to have some proper food, and me and Jezza are going to enjoy a drink. Then sleep.”

Too dazed to argue, Jeremy and Richard simply nodded in agreement.

“And you,” James pointed at Richard. “Are going to make us a promise not to get yourself into any more trouble.”

Eyes huge, Richard looked up at James and Jeremy from his chair, nodding firmly.

James sighed. “It’ll have to do,” he conceded.

Grinning, Jeremy reached his arm round Richard, moving his small body closer. “It’s good enough til tomorrow I think anyway.”

“Probably,” laughed James, reaching out to ruffle Richard’s hair. “Food then.” He paused. “And Hamster, don’t come anywhere near me while I’m cooking. That would just be tempting fate.”

“More to the point,” said Jeremy, his brain livening up a bit at the prospect of food and following their conversation to its logical conclusion. “Do we think we’re going to risk going on another adventure?” The ‘with him’ was implied.

James’s eyes widened. “I think I need a bit of distance from this week’s calamities before I think about that!”

Jeremy grinned tiredly.

“Hey! It wasn’t that many things!” protested Richard.

Jeremy looked sternly at him.

“I’ll be more careful.”

“He used to say that when he was bigger too,” put in James. “And he was always getting into trouble, maybe it’s not that different. The injuries are smaller, I suppose.” James reached out to lift Richard’s T-shirt, studying the bruises carefully.

Richard pulled his T-shirt down hurriedly. “Is this a bad time to remind you that you said I could drive Errol?”


End file.
